My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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