She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
This is my gift to your gina
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
