Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
