Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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