I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
