we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Less talking, more tequila
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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