So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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