i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
