I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
