I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
