I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
