I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
