Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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