A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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