good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
