a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
