Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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