Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
