her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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