So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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