Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
