he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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