i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
