Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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