I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
