Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
