The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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