It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
