Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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