I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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