He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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