I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why are your pants in the freezer?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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