If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
