Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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