Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
