Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
