By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
