My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
