i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
