found the other keg... it's in the tree
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
