I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
