my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
