i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
