I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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