I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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