Need sex. Gaining weight.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
