life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
