i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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