I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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