Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
